P2
by Sumo Rabbit
Summary: The future has been placed in jeopardy, so a hero goes back in time to ensure things turn out the way they should.


**Earth.**  
 **The future.**

As the two friends paused in front of the building, one shrugged his shoulders.  
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Someone's got to do it. Our very existence is threatened by them. All because they sent one of their people back to try and alter the entire timeline. And I'm just the poor sucker that drew the short straw." A rueful snort. "And without backup, weapons, or anything like that. For God's sake I'm literally going in naked! If I didnt know better, I'd assume this was just one elaborate prank to take revenge over the chip shop incident."

His friend shook his head. "Come on, you know if I was going to prank you, it'd be a hell of a lot more elaborate and believable than this. I'm not happy about it either, but the so-called geniuses say only organic matter can travel safely through the portal, or whatever they're calling it today. If you were to take any non-organic material it's liable to end up fused with you. And yeah, I know you'd love a railgun, or a progressive knife for an arm, but it's a risk we're not willing to take. It's a risk I'm not willing to take. And you did volunteer, remember?"

Another snort. "Oh, so now you're concerned for my well-being. I wish you'd thought of this before you picked me for this cockamamie mission. And yes, i know I volunteered, but still, I'm entitled to gripe about it. It's an insane plan, with a dash of crazineses and garnished with stupidity. Go back to that time? You've read the surviving reports, too. It was sheer insanity. Humanity vs Angels, Evangelions that someone felt that having basket case kids do the piloting was a clever idea. With their mother's souls as well? You saw the way we were treated. Seriously, how do you think I'll be able to accomplish anything given ther sheer paranoia and overwhleming security measures of those days?"

"Because you're the sort of guy who thrives on this kind of challenge. Ah-ah, don't interrupt me. You and I both know damn well you can't wait to do this. Just don't forget what's at stake. We're all counting on you."

"Remind me how the hell did I let myself get into this. And when I get back, remind me not to volunteer for anything like this in fu-..." his voice trailed off as he saw his friend's look. "No. You told me they'd be able to get me back. You promised me."

His friend shrugged. "I know, but the techs came across another issue, which leads to another issue and so on, they're working on it, but at the moment they can't guarantee a successful return. I'm sorry, I should have told you this before, but.."

"But you needed me to be all complaint and eager to go. As of right now, what are the chances of me coming back?"

"Well, assuming everything goes perfect in the past..." a grimace, ".0000000009%. Sorry."

"This just gets better and better, doesn't it? Oh, what else can go wrong. Let me guess, you're sleeping with my girl."

Silence and a sheepish look.

He exploded. "OH HELL NO! YOU CANNOT BE FU-" only to be cut off by his friend clutching his shoulder for balance, his legs no longer able to support him as a result of all his laughing. "You sonofa..."

"Gotcha! I'm sorry I could not resist. Okay, now we're even." His phone rang. "Yes? He's here with me. Okay. Right, we're on our way." Putting the phone in his pocket he turned to his friend, still red in the face. "That's the Colonel. It's showtime."

The two of them walked into the building. A couple of minutes later they were in a locker room. The colonel was waiting. She didn't mince words.

"This is it. We have a go. The Commander has decreed that, at 3pm you will be sent back to Tokyo-3 where you will carry out your mission for the fate of our people." Some of the tension left her voice. "I envy you. I wish it was me going instead of you, but the brass consider you more expendable. So, you all set? "

"Yes ma'am. Done all the background research. I know my way round Tokyo-3 blindfolded. All Seele and Nerv's secrets, MAGI codes, the works. I'll get this done."

"See that you do. Good luck." They saluted each other, she turned and walked out of the changing room.

Taking off his clothes, he nodded at the empty doorway, "So, when are you two going to do the decent thing and make it official?"  
His friend shrugged. "Don't know, our jobs do make it difficult, she's based here, I'm all over the place, and to be honest, I don't know if we're ever going to settle down. She could do better than me. Besides, time enough waiting until you get back. I need a best man, right?"

Punching his friend on the shoulder he laughed. "That's more like it. I'm coming back. Gives you more incentive to figure out a way. And besides, when you pair get married, it's going to be the biggest session since before Second Impact."

"Which reminds me, whatever you do, make sure any effects on the timeline don't erase the Yebisu company. She'd never forgive you for that. Eradicating our species, meh, destroying the planet, tch, making her switch to another beer? Death sentence."

"I'll keep that in mind." Just then there was an announcement over the tannoy, summoning him. "Guess that's my cue." With that, he got up and walked to the portal room, where a number of brass and other dignitaries waited.

"Spare me the speeches, we know what's at stake. Just make sure I come out of this okay." Turning towards the platform he waved. "Let's do this." He slapped his friend on the shoulder. "Look after yourselves, ok?"

His friend, not trusting himself to speak at this moment, merely nodded.

"Oh, cheer up emo kid. Hell, you guys get this 'problem' sorted, you'll be able bring me back in 2 minutes, time, right?" He stepped onto the platform.

"Wait." One of the techs, a female, almost blushing as she explained.. "Sorry sir, but you do remember you can't take anything. The ring has got to come off".

Rolling his eyes, complied. Throwing the ring at his friend, he grinned. "Make sure you've got a cold one waiting for when I get back. I'll be needing it!"

Up in the control room, the chief technician coughed into his microphone. "Time is of the essence, gentlemen. We need to send you as soon as possible in order to get the time and spatial co-ordinates as close to optimum. Please step onto the platform, and indicate when you are ready." On seeing a thumbs up, "Any last words?"

"Should i say something noble, or profound, or I could just shout WhatTheHellAmIDoingThisForrrrr!" as the chief technician pulled the lever. "Oh! I know! Catch you later Bill and Ted!"

Lightning seemed to arc all over the platform, the room began to shake, then a flash of light, blinding everyone for a second, then darkness. The smell of ozone filled the air. As the lights came back on, the Colonel was at the chief technicians station. "Well?" she asked.

The technician studied the data, and his shoulders sank. "We got the spatial co-ordinates right, but we got the temporal entry point wrong. We - we sent him back a bit too soon."

"How soon?"

"A couple of years ma'am, give or take 6 months. Hopefully it will have a minimal effect on the time stream."

A sigh. "Well, there's nothing we can do about that. It's in his hands now." Walking out of the room, she took out her phone and dialed. After a few seconds she spoke again. "Yes, he's gone. Techs think they may have sent him a bit too far back, but with minimal temporal effects. He's smart, he'll survive. Well, for the time being." Another pause. "No, he hasn't a clue, poor deluded fool." A laugh. "I suppose we could always put up a statue to him, it'd be the least we could do. Understood. Out." Hanging up, she put her phone into her pocket and walked out into the red tinged darkness.

 **Tokyo-3**  
 **2007**

The drunk was lying in an alley, nursing his last bottle of cheap vodka, when things began to feel wrong. His hair felt like it was standing up on end, and he could feel a tingling as the static began to build. Then, as if out of nowhere, he saw what appeared to be an arcing tendril of electricity. Followed by another, and another, and within a couple of seconds there was what looked like a writhing ball of lightning suspended a couple of feet off the ground.

Perhaps foolishly, the drunk got up to take a closer look, as he did so, the ball flashed, and suddenly exploded silently, throwing the drunk into a chainlink fence. Dazed, he looked at where the ball of lightning had been. He could see what appeared to be a chunk taken out of the alley's walls and ground, it looked spherical. And in the bottom there was something crouched over itself, and trembling. He shuffled closer, trying to make sense of what he saw. It looked like, but, no it couldn't be, but, no it was.

A penguin.

Confused, all the drunk could wonder was why would someone want to electrocute a penguin. Then he considered what he could do with the penguin, maybe it was someone's pet, or escaped from the zoo, and there could be a reward. This was Tokyo-3, wild penguins didn't wander the streets, so it had to be someone's. Grabbing a bag he lurched towards the penguin, and-

The penguin stood up looked at him. And opened his beak.

"Your clothes. Give them to me." in an Austrian accent.

The drunk's jaw dropped as brain tried to process what had just happened, and failing miserably. So there was only on possible thing to do. He fainted.

The penguin looked at the drunk, looked around him, looked at the drunk once more, and proceeded to burst out laughing. "Oh man, that was even funnier than I imagined. Oh the look on his face, the look on his face! Pen-Pen my man, you rock!"

Then he thought back to when Colonel Pin-Pin had briefed him with her initial plans for the mission. "Remember Master Sergeant, at all times you must speak in Penguinese. The humans must not be allowed to know that you can speak their language! "

Knowing she couldn't hear him, he still spoke to her. "Sorry Colonel, but that was just too good an opportunity to pass up. Right, Penguinese from now on. Pity." he muttered to himself. "Right, better take stock of where I am, I wouldn't put it past the techies to have sent me to 2398's version of Dublin 4 in error." Looking round him, he spotted a shop sign on the street at the end of the alley. "Looks like I'm in Japan so that's good. As for the when though..." Spying a garbage can, he strolled over and opened it, and was in luck. He picked the newspaper up, looked for the date, and dropped the newspaper.

"2007... 2007? _TWO THOUSAND AND FRICKING SEVEN_? Those muppets sent me back too damn far. What the hell am I going to do know? I'm not supposed to be picked up by Katsuragi for another 2 years. hell, if the Colonel's info is correct, she's still in Germany looking after the Soryu kid. I knew I shouldn't have volunteered. 'Never volunteer!' That's what Gor-Gar always says, and he's right, why do I never listen? Pen-Pen my man, you are in deep doo-doo."

Angry, Pen-Pen proceeded to kick the can, the wall, and the drunk who had been starting to come round, muttering about killer robots disguised as penguins. The drunk fainted again.

Sitting on the drunk's chest, Pen-Pen decided it was time to use his brain. "Calm down Pen-Pen, calm down. Deep breath. Okay, good, got that out of my system. Now, think. Where exactly am I and what do I do about it? On the plus side, I've made it to Tokyo-3, and I'm alive, and in what appears to be in one piece, with my supreme intellect, wit and charm intact. On the minus side. I am a couple of years early, and can't rely on Katsuragi for a while, I don't know exactly where in Tokyo-3 I am, I'm naked, unarmed and I can smell urine. Urine? Don't tell me I, oh it was you. Phew." looking down at the pool of liquid spreading round the drunk's legs.

Reaching down for the drunk's miraculously unbroken bottle of vodka, Pen-Pen sighed. "But first of all I need a drink!"


End file.
